My friend Robi wrote me an awesome obit and I love it even if that is a weird thing to love.
Robi promised to write me said awesome obit even if he had to make the whole thing up. And just in case he dies first, he penned this:
“Kim R- W- was once classy dame. But not one of those uppity kinds. No, sir. She was a real boot kicking, fun loving, lady-when-she-needed-to-be type of broad. She was usually described as ‘sweet when she wanted to be, but watch out when she didn’t.’
Known as the “Snarky Bibliophile on Drury Lane,” but modest to a fault at times, most people don’t realize that the Disney princess Belle was actually based upon Kim. At least the awesome, smart, snarky, pretty part. That hapless victim part? “Eff that. I would have taken the library and burned the place down if he pulled that,” Kim said after seeing her movie portrayal.
Kim was a main proponent of the “Read or Punch” campaign, whereas, in a role-reversing twist of days of nerds past, she instituted the once controversial, but now highly touted practice of punching people in the face for not reading. Due to her commitment to this doctrine, libraries are now full of money, books, and ice packs, and are thriving in a modern day Renaissance of literacy.
Kim left this earth on ___, because she had reached such a level of awesomeness that the world had realized it could no longer contain her. It was reported she spontaneously combusted into a flash of bright light, and a tome detailing her life was left in her place.
She is survived by her husband, Chuck, who honestly does not know what to do now that she’s gone. Seriously. She also left a plethora of friends and family who feel like the glue of their life has left them, as well as a shit ton of people all across the world who are left to wallow in their sadness and think, “I never even got to meet her. What will my life become?” She was preceded in glorious earth exits by her Wonder Twin, and they are no doubt ‘tearing it up’ in whatever badass plane of existence they are in now. Until they get kicked out of that one too.
There will be no visitation. Why? Because if you haven’t already seen and met Kim, then you don’t deserve to now. Suck for you. Deal with it. In lieu of flowers, go buy a damn book and read it, then give it to a kid. Both the kid and mankind will thank you for it.”
New goal: Make this happen.